SAD and struggling at this time of year
It’s dark, and grey, and cold, and that’s just my mood. Winter has been hard this year.
A confession: I’m struggling. Winter is hard, and this one, at least for me here in the UK, seems to have been a particularly hard one. SAD, or seasonal affective disorder, is a type of depression that comes and goes in a seasonal pattern.
It means you get depressive symptoms at certain times of the year, usually during winter, although apparently there are cases of people experiencing SAD in summer and feeling better in winter. One theory as to what causes it is that reduced exposure to sunlight means your brain isn’t working properly.
I don’t think I suffer from SAD, but I have struggled with winter this year. Or, to be more precise, throughout January. So far February hasn’t been much better. I’m not sure why this winter has proven so difficult but I have my theories.
My symptoms do overlap with those of SAD: persistent low mood, lack of energy, loss of interest in day-to-day things and even in things that I very much enjoy. But I think that really it’s just that this time of year is damn hard.
I booked three days off work earlier this month. I had planned to go to at least two exhibitions and to the theatre. To eat out and maybe treat myself to a glass of wine. I went to one exhibition. The rest of the time I spent on the sofa, curled up under a blanket with my Kindle.
Thinking, no action
I’ve thought about going on another London Loop walk or for a long leisure ride. But it’s got no further than thinking. As I write this it’s a Friday evening and my plans for the weekend are volunteering, which I’m not looking forward to as I’d rather just stay in, and, well, that’s it.
I can’t even be bothered to go out for lunch at the moment. Don’t worry, I’m not starving, we’ve got more than enough food in the house. But I’ve lost my love and enjoyment of food. It feels like a chore rather than a pleasure.
Normally I love going out for lunch. Normally I’d be thinking about which café I want to go to after tomorrow’s volunteering stint. I’d take my Kindle and have a lovely quiet time reading and eating. Maybe by tomorrow I'll feel more up to it, but right now I’m just thinking about getting back home.
It’s not that I’m tired. Rather I lack any desire or energy to do anything. I have no interest in doing the things that I normally love to do. I just want to sit on the sofa and watch Netflix. This is known as anhedonia in technical terms. It’s a sign of depression and so very much identified with SAD.
But again, I don’t think this is SAD and I know it’s not a bout of depression. I’m very familiar with those and I know the signs. I also think that we as a society are too quick to pathologise what is often a natural reaction. Because the truth is that this time of year is hard and I don’t need a diagnosis of SAD to recognise that.
I’m not saying that SAD isn’t a thing, or that having a diagnosis isn’t helpful in many circumstances. Being diagnosed with depression and prescribed antidepressants almost certainly saved my life.
January = bad
It’s just that for me, right now, in the dark and depressing depths of winter, I believe it’s just better to accept that January is shit and February is even worse. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that or to validate what I’m feeling.
This winter has just been grey: overcast, damp, rainy and dark. There seem to have been whole weeks where the sun hasn’t shown its face at all, days where it doesn’t get light. I tried to go for a sunrise walk across Walthamstow Marshes a few weeks ago and failed – not because I didn’t make it out, but because there was no sunrise. It was hidden behind a layer of thick, grey cloud.
I know there have been a handful of those bright, frosty winter days that are bitterly cold but full of weak, yellowy sunshine. But I can’t really bring any to mind. This follows on from a summer that also felt wet and grey. And that’s how I feel: sad and grey. It’s no wonder really.
I’m sure that as the weather improves, the days get longer and we see more sunshine I’ll start to feel better. The mornings are already getting lighter – there’s a glimmer of light in the sky when I open the curtains at 6am which is already making me smile.
How about you? Have you struggled this winter?
Postscript
After writing this, we had a nice run of cold, clear days with wintery sunshine. My mood immediately improved. I enjoyed a walk in a local park with my face turned up towards the sun and a big smile.
I knew it wasn’t SAD. I just needed a bit of sunlight.